Traveler

I have always considered myself a traveler at heart.

Ever since I was little, I have been on the move. When I was 3, I moved to the Middle East because my father worked in the oil industry. When Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait City, where I lived, I moved to Pennsylvania. Later, I moved to Ohio, where I currently reside. When I was 8, my parents divorced and my father chose not to live in the same state, so until the age of 18, I would travel down to his place in North Carolina, by Airplane or Car, fairly often. My mother's grandparents live in Pennsylvania and my father's live in South Carolina so I would often travel to see them as well. I've also visited Washington D.C., Detroit, Toronto, Chicago, Houston, Baton Rouge, Orlando, Kansas City, and the Grand Canyon. And I have been ever so fortunate to visit Japan in the summer of 2006 (I still need to write to my host family.)

With this fair list, it has safe to say that traveling around has been a major part of my life. I am sure there are some places I am also forgetting but the point is, that I have traveled.

This is not to say that I am worldly by any means. I do not mean to write this post as a ego-boosting, self proclamation of my so-called awesomeness.

What I simply mean to relay is that I am a traveler.

Traveling has disrupted much of my life yet has shown me thing that I know many people are not fortunate enough to experience. And for that I am grateful.

But I find myself today sitting down and wondering if I am going to be denying an essential part of my self in a few hours.

At 1 p.m. today, I'll be sitting down in an interview with a real job. No disrespect meant to all those who bust their asses working in Mike Rowe-esque jobs, but I'll be doing my second interview for a job that will officially "settle me down", at least for a few years. I'll be working 7:30 till 4:30pm, Monday through Friday, if I get this job.

And for some reason, it terrifies me.

I thought about it for a while. I thought maybe I was confusing fear with excitement. After all, this is a big opportunity for me. I'll be able to get my own apartment, get benefits, and pretty much be independent of anyone if I so choose.

But no, it terrifies me.

I also thought about maybe I am scared of growing up. Maybe I am terrified of reaching the point where I am actually held accountable for major problems. Maybe I am terrified of reaching a point where I feel like I have to give up my dream of writing stories for video games because I need to start earning a real income and "be a grown up". To this, I thought that might be true. I know that if I get this job, I won't be able to attend a promising conference in Austin Texas that has several conferences for video game writing..

But no, I am too stubborn to give up on my dream.

I will write stories for video games.

So why does this terrify me so?

I mean, I could always wuss out and just not show up. But where is the honor in that?

Oddly enough, it came to me while working on a concept for a City of Heroes character. (A Warshade for those of you who are curious and know the game.) I wanted a character that had my name in some respect. So I took my middle name, Andrew, and rearranged it into Dre Wan, thinking to myself that it would be a cool name.

But in the conceptualizing phase, i started to worry again. And it just seemed to strike me.

If you re-arrange Andrew, you get the word Wander. And it's only a one letter change really.

For some reason, that just snapped things into focus for me.

If I get this job, what will happen to this part of me that has come to define me so? Traveling and Wandering has become such an integral part of my personality that, with out it, I wouldn't know how to define myself at all.

I think what scares me is that, in getting this job, I'll have to fight against my very nature as a traveler. And it's terrifying. I have to be someone else to be stable.

My mind plays out a ton of questions based off this one statement alone. Am I not stable enough? Why do I have to be more stable? Why am I doing this? etc. etc. These thoughts only serve to complicate the matter more.

I take reassurance in the fact that I do not plan to stay here forever. that I am to stubborn not to follow my dream. But it makes me wonder what is going to happen to me if I get this job. How will I change? Will I become a better person? Or, will I become disenfranchised with that sort of life and never again muster the ability to settle down and be "stable"?

I guess I will find out though. All I can do now is face this and take it in stride.

"The Pattern weaves as the pattern wills."
(A commonly used quotes in a book series by Robert Jordan)