A New Year's thoughts

It's hard for me to understand the world sometimes. There are so many variables and nuances out there that I find myself getting upset or distraught when I don't see something coming or something completely shocks me.

Maybe it has to do with an innate desire for control of my environment and my life.

Which, if that is true, will totally hinder me as an artist, writer, and all around general media person.

But, these past couple of weeks have been... wow. Just. Wow.

I guess what inspired me to write today is a forum posting by a well known and widely respected individual on the City of Heroes community forum. I won't go into detail but the man publicly admitted to having a mental problem and how he was going to take control of it and why he wasn't going to be online anymore. I won't reveal who it is but anyone who follows the Defender Forums on the City of Heroes website will know who I am referring to.

For some reason, his...confession...seemed to jolt me into a state of...what the hell?

I guess in my dreamscape, I often try to fade away and forget that the world is actually happening. Like, I don't want the world to be as is, so I fade into this dream world and, not necessarily pretend it's not happening, but make it happen as I choose.

Mary got fired from work on New Years Eve. or so I've been told.

And yes, I know you, dear reader, don't know who and/or care to know who Mary is.

I got a new computer and I've started a good and strong relationship with a wonderful woman. And I'm trying to publish/produce/push my music album onto the scene. I think I am going to create a myspace account and put my music on there. I mean, it's not the best thing in the world, but I want to create this and the album, give to anyone who wants it, then get back to my writing and let the ideas for music build up again, though, I do have this idea for a few albums actually.

But for some reason, while writing this, I can shake the feeling that somehow, all this is a dream.

Like. I'm going to wake up tomorrow, Georgia is gonna be gone and I'll be single again, i'm going to be stuck with my shitty computer, and loose all my music and Mary is going to be at work.

In a story, the pessimistic person would probably say, "how it should be".

But I am actually at a lost on what to say. No writing for a while has...sort of...stored up the energies I usually reserve for writing. But, after being struck in the face by the mighty hammer of reality, for some reason, I can't help but wonder, "Really? What AM I doing?"

Despite my mantra, that Change is the only universal constant, self doubt always hits my confident facade like a ton of bricks. It is odd yet true to say I am secure and confident enough to admit I doubt myself at every turn.

Yet, for a brief moment of clarity, I can see, as of now, the world doesn't give a shit about me. And not in the evil way or spiteful way.

The world has got some serious shit to do.

But that is reassuring, oddly enough. Because it does lift some of the self imposed weight on my mind and self doubt I carry. It makes me feel free.

So maybe this new year will be the year of my...true birth...as the artist/writer/creator, I know I can be.

This month I am planning on reorganizing my future into the path I choose to travel so the journey I take is the one that brings me joy, not melancholy. I'm going to start doing the things I know I can.

All this, from a simple man's confessions about his problems, and determination to better himself.

Because if he can do it, why can't I?